Today the Bronx District Attorney’s Office announced an innovative new plan to speed up the wheels of justice by issuing E-z.Plea ™ passes to all Bronx residents allowing them to bypass the cumbersome procedures of being arrested and haled into court and go straight into a selected correctional facility.
“Say goodbye to long lines outside the courthouse, multiple court appearances where nothing happens and embarrassing plea allocutions,” said Kevin Sofa, deputy bureau chief of Readiness and Positions. “With E-z.Plea ™, you’re guaranteed an immediate sentence without the hassle of getting convicted first.”
Administrative judge Popinjay Avocado welcomed the move. “The Court once forgot its i.d. and had to spend two and a half hours standing outside in the rain before even getting inside the door of the courthouse,” he reminisced. “The Court finds the switch to E-z.Plea ™ a substantial step towards relieving court congestion.”
Al Sharpton criticized the move as having a potentially negative effect on minorities, noting that they will be disproportionately burdened by having to transport themselves to correctional facilities, a function that has always been performed by the state free of charge.
The NYCLU response was guarded. “The Constitution guarantees that no one may be punished for a crime without first being arrested and railroaded through the system,” said spokesperson Elmira Tolstoi. “We’ll be watching very closely to see that no one’s rights are violated.”
NYPD deputy commissioner Evan Broccoli pooh-poohed their fears. “The public may rest assured that E-z.Plea ™ will in no way affect the rights of law-abiding citizens to get beat up and handcuffed prior to sentencing,” he said.