Inside the jury room

Scene: Windowless jury room with large metal table and chairs. Jurors straggle in and sit down.

Juror #2: Whew! I thought they’d never stop talking. What are they, paid by the word?

Juror #7: Well, it’s time to do our solemn duty. Everybody get out their Bibles.

All: (horrified) No!

Juror #7: Hey, just kidding. It’s what they think we do, isn’t it?

Juror #1: Come on, guys, I got Knicks tickets for tonight. Let’s say guilty and go home.

Juror #8: Ain’t puttin’ no brother away for no honky system.

Juror #11: Oh, cut the crap, you said you were the Republican councilmember for the Upper East Side.

Juror #8: I have to represent all viewpoints.

Juror #1: Okay, who thinks the defendant was misidentified?

Juror #5: You heard the DA. The victim said she was looking at the robber’s face the whole time. She was thinking it could be the last face she’d ever see in her life. It was indelibly imprinted on her memory.

(everybody laughs)

Juror #6: What does that DA think, we just got off the boat? I was just talking to my wife this morning about how memory is a reconstructive process based on selectively encoding our perceptions.

Juror #4: And don’t forget the effect of post-event information on memory, which is highly malleable.

Juror #9: Still, even though the meta-analytic studies show that the P factor of weapon focus effect is less that 5%, the effect size is small.

Juror #10: That may be true under the controlled conditions of a laboratory experiment using college students as guinea pigs, but real life is different. Real life, somebody puts a gun in your face, you don’t remember your own mother.

(everybody nods in agreement)

Juror #6: And all those DNA exonerations have shown that confident witnesses aren’t necessarily accurate.

Juror #1: Okay, we know that already, let’s get a verdict.

Juror #3: I didn’t like the way the defendant looked. Hate to run into him on a dark street.

Juror #5: I remember him from the ‘hood. He’s in the Latin Kings.

Juror #8: You should have said so at lunch yesterday when we were doing that Facebook check.

Juror #5: It didn’t occur to me until that cop blurted it out. But I never forget a face.

Juror #1: Okay, do we have a verdict?

Juror #2: Relax, it’s only 3 o’clock. Let’s send in a few notes about the elements of the crime, just to make them crazy. After all, they’ve been messing with us for 3 days.

(all agree).

About Appellate Squawk

A satirical blog for criminal defense lawyers and their friends who won't give up without a squawk.
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