The new commercial courts

In a bold and creative effort to respond to New York’s grave fiscal crisis, Chief Judge Flipman announced that, following the lead of sports teams, public radio and the Metropolitan Museum of Art, courts will start accepting corporate sponsorship and advertising.

“Needless to say, we won’t accept the sponsorship of any corporation currently under indictment, at least not in New York State,” the Chief explained.

The move met with enthusiastic response from the Bronx Hall of Justice, the new $421 million dollar courthouse affectionately known as “The Titanic” for what is tactfully called “embarrassing infrastructure problems.”

“This is the solution to all those boarded-up broken glass walls and vast closed-off areas made insecure by the building’s sinking,” said Administrative Judge Avocado. “We’ll fill them up with billboards and generate revenue at the same time.”

Other courts immediately started adding commercials to the proceedings, grossing over a million dollars during the first week. A typical trial now begins like this:

Judge: Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen of our prospective panel. Ban takes the worry out of being close. My name is Judge Bumble and I’ll be presiding over this trial. When you’re out of Schlitz, you’re out of beer. Do not discuss the case and do not visit the crime scene. You may, however, double your pleasure and double your fun with Wrigley’s spearmint gum. Anyone who can’t serve on a jury? Preparation H shrinks hemorhoids fast.

Prospective juror: I don’t speak English, I can’t leave my dog home alone all day, my third cousin in Iowa is a policeman, jury duty is against my religion and the defendant must have done something or he wouldn’t be sitting here.

Judge: Things go better with Coca-cola. All right, sir, you can return to the jury room where they do it your way. And now for these messages brought to you by the men and women of Philip Morris.

About Appellate Squawk

A satirical blog for criminal defense lawyers and their friends who won't give up without a squawk.
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