Judge Wool’s 2011 roundup

The Honorable Judge Wool of the former Court of Utterances and Nuisances is a frequent contributor to these pages, although in his opinion, unfairly marginalized (See “Judge Wool Says” at right).

The Sycophant Bar Association, mistaking him for Judge Wood of the Second Circuit, invited Judge Wool to deliver the New Year’s Eve lecture at prestigious Pepto-Bismol Hall. On discovering the error, they tried to discourage attendance by declaring that, instead of getting CLE credit, anyone who came would have 24 credits deducted. The move was unavailing: they’d badly underestimated the number of attorneys who’ll sit through anything for a handful of potato chips and a free can of diet Coke.

(Scene: Pepto-Bismol Hall, an oak-paneled room full of group photos of judges sitting with their hands on their knees)

President Dishcloth:  I believe I can say without fear of contradiction that tonight’s invited speaker is the wittiest, most learned, brilliant, good-looking, wisest, most beloved judge who ever sat on the bench –

Wool: (preening modestly) Oh, really –

Dishcloth: Unfortunately we have Judge Wool instead. We hope his Honor will give us an overview of some of the fabulous achievements of 2011 from our radiant, transcendent high state court.

Wool: Darn tootin’. Forty-six dissents by Chief Judge Flipman this year. He’d better watch his step. The majority’s likely to put a tack on his seat.

Dishcloth: But surely dissents aren’t really –

Wool: The highlight of 2011 was when he reamed the First Department for making “facile analytic shortcuts” to rubberstamp police aggression.  I say anybody who’s called a facile analytic shortcutter by the Chief Judge should commit  hari kiri on the spot.

Dishcloth: (quickly) Questions from the audience?

Wool: (continuing) The Fourth Amendment protects against unreasonable searches and seizures. Thanks to facile analytical shortcutters, all searches are reasonable if done by the police.

Question: Does the Fourth Amendment exist? And if so, does it take an interest in human affairs?

Wool: Only you believe in it. Everybody clap your hands if you believe in the Fourth Amendment.

(Dead silence)

Dishcloth: (Hustling Judge Wool off the stage) Thank you, Your Honor. That was the most fabulous speech since the Gettysburg Address. We’ll close with a chorus of “Auld Lang Syne.”