DA Vandal’s Easter message

Squawk recently returned from a few weeks Down South, and y’all can be sure we’ll inflict our snapshots on you folks by and by.

But jiminy crickets! While we were gone, the DA’s Office, instead of being cool about our needing some extra time to file a li’l ole reply brief, screamed and kicked its collective heels on the floor and demanded that we file it by yesterday.

Now this was just plain lowdown orneriness. Hell, it’s our client not theirs who’s sitting behind bars waiting on the Appellate Division to rubber-stamp his conviction.

So we had to spend the last 96 hours plowing through the mindless rant preceded by a Table of Authorities that the People call a brief, and write a reply. On the day of the deadline, a bedraggled, sleep-deprived, over-caffinated Squawk shuffled uptown to the DA’s office to serve it, only to find it closed up tight for Good Friday. How religious!

Attached to the door was the following Proclamation:

FROM THE OFFICE OF DISTRICT ATTORNEY VANDAL

“Today we celebrate Good Friday, a commemoration of the lawful arrest, successful prosecution and appropriate punishment of the terrorist and career criminal, Jesus “Son of God” Christ.

“Good Friday stands as a shining example of a job well done by law enforcement, the prosecution and the courts.  Defendant Christ posed a grave danger to public safety. His crimes were fully documented: unlicensed manufacture and distribution of alcoholic beverages at the wedding at Cana; unlicensed practice of medicine on numerous occasions; obstruction of government administration by interfering with the stoning of a sex offender; assault and criminal mischief against small businesses operating in the Temple; overfishing the Sea of Galilee; and felony assault when his accomplice Peter cut off the ear of the High Priest’s servant in the course of resisting arrest (notwithstanding that defendant put it back on).

“Defendant Christ’s trial was a model of fairness and due process that our office strives daily to re-create in the NY courts. And, I may say, with some success.

“A handful of discontented lunatics complain that defendant was not provided with a lawyer.  Nothing in the record indicates that he was not given the opportunity to retain an attorney of his choice.  It is sheer speculation to suggest otherwise.

“After all, Justice Pilate made a thorough inquiry of defendant’s competence to represent himself by asking, “Art thou King of the Jews?” Defendant’s answer, “Thou sayest,” clearly, plainly and obviously shows that he thoroughly understood the charges against him, even if there was technically no accusatory instrument. Defendant was on full notice of the crimes he was charged with, since he had committed them himself.

“Some nay-sayers and fussbudgets whine that Justice Pilate abused his discretion by washing his hands in court. To be sure, the better practice would have been to do so in the men’s room, but defendant cannot show how he was prejudiced by this.

“In keeping with this Office’s longstanding position at the forefront of penal reform, we are tirelessly working to reinstate crucifixion as the punishment for all felonies and selected misdemeanors.

“Severe penalties will be meted out to anyone attempting to subvert the finality of the punishment by rising from the dead.”

Xerxes Vandal

About Appellate Squawk

A satirical blog for criminal defense lawyers and their friends who won't give up without a squawk.
This entry was posted in Civil Liberties, Criminal Defense Appeals, Criminal law, Law & Parody and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to DA Vandal’s Easter message

  1. Jay says:

    I’m so glad you’re back!

    Like

  2. Rural Redneck Appellate Defender says:

    Holy fucking shit I’m glad you’re back.

    Like

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