Legislature adopts frisk-level registry; Governor will sign

A guest contribution from a Supervising Appellate Squawk, former member of the White Panther Party and author of the forthcoming, “The Cardozo Code: Secret Rituals of the NY Court of Appeals.”

Albany, NY (AP)

The NY State Legislature announced a new bipartisan bill creating a registry of recidivist stop-and-friskees. The statute is entitled the Frisk Offender Registration Act or “Tyrone’s Law,” named after 14-year old Tyrone Lopez who was stopped and frisked for a record of 346 times in a single week for Walking While Black or Hispanic (WWBH).

Under the new law, anyone stopped and frisked for WWBH and failing to provide the police with the requisite probable cause for arrest will have to register with the Frisk Offender Management Center.  The registry will be publicly available on the Internet and will include an incredibly unflattering photograph, along with every embarrassing detail of the offender’s life.

The extent of the notification and registration requirements will depend on the offender’s frisk level. This is scientifically determined by a judge applying such factors as: prior history of being black or Hispanic; standing outside one’s own building; standing inside one’s own building; making eye contact with a police officer; avoiding eye contact with a police officer; looking around; looking straight ahead; or entering Taco Bell.

Frisk Level 1’s must wear electronic monitoring devices in the form of large buttons reading, “Ask me where I’m going and why.” Frisk Level 2’s wear an additional button reading, “Ask me what’s in my pocket, bag or other closed container.” Frisk Level 3’s wear a third button the size of a dinnerplate reading, “Detain me for 72 hours while you check my DNA.”

The Governor announced his intention to sign the bill, praising both Houses for “closing a loophole that has been strangling public safety in this State for years.”

Senator Skeleton, the bill’s sponsor, explained, “We’ve sent an important message to these scofflaws that we will no longer tolerate their getting off scot-free just because they haven’t  committed a crime.”

“At last the police will no longer be hamstrung in their lawful efforts to harass people they don’t like the look of,” commented Mayor Bedbug. “New York will be restored to its proper role as a place to make money and entertain suburban tourists.”

About Appellate Squawk

A satirical blog for criminal defense lawyers and their friends who won't give up without a squawk.
This entry was posted in Civil Liberties, Criminal law, Law & Parody and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Legislature adopts frisk-level registry; Governor will sign

  1. Wrockman says:

    Genius!

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