In a bold move aimed at conserving scarce judicial resources, the Appellate Division announced that its traditional rubber stamp method of deciding criminal appeals will shortly be replaced by Kwik-Affirm (c), an innovative software program that scans entire defense briefs at the touch of a computer key and generates a decision within seconds. Kwik-Affirm (c) is guaranteed to perform every function of an appellate court, including finding the issues unpreserved and/or without merit, injecting its own facts and theories into the record, and whatever else is required to affirm the conviction. The software features a tone-adjuster that can be calibrated to generate decisions of up to five levels of hostility, including individualized phrases such as “the defendant’s argument is repugnant to human decency.”
Justice Android unveiled the new program at the Sycophant Bar Association Awards Presentation Dinner, explaining that Kwik-Affirm (c) software would be provided free of charge to all criminal appeals attorneys, who would have the option of running their briefs through it and providing the court with an affirmance along with the brief.
Chief Judge Flipman enthusiastically approved the reform. “Indigent defendants should not have to wait weeks or months to have their convictions affirmed,” he said. “These new streamlined procedures will provide peace of mind to them and their loved ones while mitigating the crushing burdens suffered by the overworked, underpaid, downtrodden appellate court judges yearning to breathe free and devote their time to insurance cases. Criminal defense attorneys are highly qualified to write denials of their own appeals without having to depend on the courts to do it for them,” he added.
District Attorney Vandal heartily endorsed the new procedures. “Of course, we’re way ahead of the curve,” he told Dr. Phil. “Our briefs have always been completely machine-generated.”
For a free download of Kwik-Affirm (c) visit the Appellate Division’s website at http://www.dropdead.courts.us.