Secrets of appellate advocacy

Prisoner

Dear Mr. Jones,

I am the attorney designated by this office to handle the appeal from your conviction of Unlawful Promotion of Unlawfulness with Intent to Act Unlawfully (Penal Law Q-666).  I  hope to start work on your appeal very soon.  In the meantime, I hope you are doing well.

Dear Mr.  Jones,

Thank you for your letter suggesting some issues to be raised in your appeal. I am sure you are entirely correct about what your trial lawyer looks like from behind, but unfortunately we are limited to matters appearing on the record.  I hope to start work on your appeal very soon. In the meantime, I hope you are doing well.

Dear Mr.  Jones,

Thank you for your letter and enclosures.  Unfortunately it is not permitted to attach things like that to the appellate brief.  Also, I do not think the judge meant to insult you or your religion. “Unfit to proceed” is merely legal jargon for “long adjournment.” I hope to start work on your appeal very soon.  In the meantime, I hope you are doing well.

Dear Mr.  Jones,

Thank you for your letter, and I apologize for taking so long to answer.  As you are undoubtedly aware, your case raises a number of extremely complex issues of law which require a great deal of time to thoroughly research. Plus, I had to go on maternity leave after my dog had triplets. I hope to start work on your appeal very soon. In the meantime, I hope you are doing well.

Dear Mr. Jones,

Thank you for your letter informing me that you have been in solitary confinement for the last two years. I was wondering why I had not heard from you.  Mother and puppies are doing fine, thank you for asking. I hope to start work on your appeal very soon.  In the meantime, I hope you are doing well.

Dear Mr. Jones,

Thank you for your letter suggesting I should look into whether Unlawful Promotion of Unlawfulness with Intent to Act Unlawfully is unconstitutional. That is a very interesting idea, but please bear in mind that I am a highly experienced, trained appellate lawyer and you are a semiliterate nutcase who should not waste my valuable time with amateur speculation based on what you hear from other inmates who are probably even nuttier than you. In the meantime I hope you are doing well.

Dear Mr. Jones,

Thank you for your letter enclosing a copy of the U.S. Supreme Court decision unanimously holding that Unlawful Promotion of Unlawfulness with Intent to Act Unlawfully is unconstitutional.  Who knew?  In the meantime, I hope you are doing well.

Dear Mr.  Jones,

I am happy to inform you that your conviction for Unlawful Promotion of Unlawfulness with Intent to Act Unlawfully has been reversed.  That is entirely due to my clever appellate strategy of making sure that your appeal did not become final before the Supreme Court case was decided.  I am sorry that it does not affect the sentence you are serving on your 1996 case. In the meantime, I hope you are doing well.

About Appellate Squawk

A satirical blog for criminal defense lawyers and their friends who won't give up without a squawk.
This entry was posted in Criminal Defense Appeals, Criminal law, Law & Parody. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Secrets of appellate advocacy

  1. Beupherd T. Justice says:

    Hilarious…

    Like

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