Advice from a talking paper clip

Microsoft Word’s goggle-eyed, busybody talking paperclip (“It looks like you’re writing a letter – Would you like help?”) has finally got its comeuppance, thanks to It Looks Like You’re Trying to Instruct a Jury, Norm DeGuerre’s hilarious sendup of eyeglazing jury instructions.

“It looks like you don’t know what you’re talking about,” is what we didn’t say to Judges Sweetheart and Crabgrasse at our most recent appearance on the unreality show known as “Oral Argument in the First Department.”

Judge Sweetheart kicked off the proceedings by sternly assuring us assembled peons that they’d read our briefs, were thoroughly familiar with our cases, and warning us not to waste their precious time by explaining anything to their omniscient highnesses.

The man’s nose should be as long as Pinocchio’s.  Not only were the judges clueless about our case, the anonymous author of their bench memo had mixed it up with someone else’s.  What wife’s statement? What intoxication issue? The more we tried to explain there was no such thing, the more they insisted we just didn’t know the facts.

That bench is so cold you have to wear mittens.

Next time, we’ll go dressed as Microsoft’s lovable paperclip. “It looks like you’re fibbing about having read our briefs,” we’ll say. “Would you like help?”