The Governor stunned friend and foe alike today by announcing an unprecedented about-face in his pick for Chief Judge of the Court of Appeals, ditching former nominee Suburbia County District Attorney Flowerpot and giving the nod to Judge Wool.
“Judge Wool is one of the finest jurists in this great State,” said the Governor to a cheering crowd at Metropolitan Correctional Facility where the Legislature is now housed, “for what that’s worth.”
“Despite being symbols of wisdom, owls are historically underrepresented in the judiciary,” he added.
Asked why he’d withdrawn his nomination of DA Flowerpot, the Governor looked sheepish. “I mistook her for Hillary Clinton,” he admitted. “Blondes all look alike to me.”
Judge Wool was eager to share his reform agenda. “The way it is now, appellate judges have no incentive to reverse, no matter how outrageous the error,” he said. “Unless it’s a People’s appeal or the defendant is a cop. That’s got to change. Just as the police have arrest quotas, judges will now have reversal quotas.”
The judge promised swift retribution for foot-draggers. “They’ll be sent to a Constitutional Offender Treatment Center until they can demonstrate they’re no longer a danger to public safety,” he said. “Their photographs will be published on the Internet Constitutional Offender Registry.”
Although the move was generally applauded, there were some skeptical voices. “Given Judge Wool’s background as an owl, his so-called reforms could unfairly impact the mouse community,” warned Mickey and Minnie.
“This is an outrage,” fumed DA Flowerpot. “As Chief Judge, I would have streamlined the process by requiring proof of innocence as a condition of getting leave to appeal. Why should we waste scarce judicial resources and tax dollars on appeals by criminals?”
Judge Wool was unperturbed. “I have the highest regard for mice,” he said. “They’re delicious. As for what DA Flowerpot thinks, I couldn’t give a hoot.”