Guest post: Proposed Additions to the NY Penal Code

From NYC-area due process enthusiast, Anna Pervukhin:

Proposed Additions to the New York Penal Code 

  • 42.50 Homelessness

A person is guilty of homelessness when he appears to be homeless AND either

(a) emits sounds (including, but not limited to, speaking) or,

(b) gesticulates with arms in an obtrusive manner.

  • 42.60 Homelessness in the first degree

A person is guilty of homelessness in the first degree if he is guilty of homelessness in violation of section 42.50, above, and possesses or transports missing teeth. For purposes of this section, a “tooth” shall be defined as one of a set of hard, bonelike structures rooted in sockets in the jaws of vertebrates, typically composed of a core of soft pulp surrounded by a layer of hard dentin, coated with enamel and used for biting and chewing, or as a means of attack.

  • 42.70 Homelessness in the first degree, hate crime

A person is guilty of homelessness as a hate crime if he is guilty of homelessness in violation of section 42.60, above, AND possesses or transports a plastic bag. 

  • 77 Possession of a Criminal Record

A person is guilty of possession of a criminal record when he knowingly and unlawfully possesses one or more rap sheets.

  • 77.10(a)(1) Possession of a Criminal Record, no defense

It shall not be a defense to Possession of a Criminal Record, section 77, above, that the rap sheet does not actually belong to the person charged with violation of section 77, above, but rather had been stuffed inside the pocket of a jacket he happened to borrow. 

  • 240.90 Being In The Wrong Place At The Wrong Time 2°

A person is guilty of Being In The Wrong Place At The Wrong Time in the Second Degree when he voluntarily remains within view of NYPD police officers and either intentionally or unintentionally creates within their hearts an irresistible urge to use handcuffs, fill out paperwork or collect overtime pay.

  • 240.91 Being In The Wrong Place At The Wrong Time 1°

A person is guilty of Being In The Wrong Place At The Wrong Time in the First Degree when he has violated Section 240.90 and at the time, he either:

(a) is absolutely just minding his or her own business, or

(b) was en route to a bodega for the express purpose of buying pampers, baby formula or cigarettes.

  • 645 Aggravated Negritude

A person is guilty of Aggravated Negritude when he appears to be a person of color within 1000 (1000) feet of any building, structure, athletic playing field, ice-cream truck, or playground within the real property boundary line of any private or public entity. Or any other area accessible to the public. For the purposes of this section, the term “area accessible to the public” shall remain undefined.

  • 1-2712 Patronizing an Adjudicator

A person is guilty of patronizing an adjudicator when he appears in front of a sitting judge in connection with any criminal charges that may have been levied against him by the prosecution.

  • 2-2718 Promoting Adjudication

A person is guilty of promoting adjudication when he knowingly and unlawfully fails to plead guilty to the top charge during arraignment.

  • 2.20             Promoting Adjudication, defenses

It shall be an affirmative defense to the crime of Promoting Adjudication, section 2 (two), above, that the person was:

  • a court interpreter, or
  • sitting in the audience, or
  • sticking their head in the door for a moment to ask for directions to the restroom. 
  • 300(A)(2)(g)(iii) Criminal nuisance

A person is guilty of criminal nuisance if any of the material that is generated by his case contains language, phraseology, phrasing, little adjectives, or any other verbiage that is printed in tiny print.

  • 300(A)(2)(g)(iii) Criminal nuisance, presumptions

If the aggregate weight of the paperwork generated by the prosecution is greater than or equal to 3 (three) pounds, that shall be presumptive evidence that at least one piece of paper contains tiny print.

  • 60 Untoward Behavior, not otherwise specified

Seeing as it is practically Friday afternoon, this amendment will be completed later. Until then, remember: your case is important to us. Please stay in jail, and a representative of the criminal justice system will be with you shortly.

About Appellate Squawk

A satirical blog for criminal defense lawyers and their friends who won't give up without a squawk.
This entry was posted in Civil Liberties, Criminal law, Humor, Law & Parody and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Guest post: Proposed Additions to the NY Penal Code

  1. Alex Bunin says:

    Those are common law crimes in Texas. No legislation necessary.

  2. dennis murphy says:

    wonderful addition, Squawk.

  3. Daniel Ashworth says:

    love this

  4. whoeverhasnohome says:

    As a layperson, I find these more evocative than last week’s “perfect storm of horrible” reports on delayed trials in the Bronx. More please!

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