Santa Claus is Level 3


Scene: SORA hearing in front of Judge Dudgeon Bludgeon.

ADA Tightskirt: Judge, Mr. Claus should be adjudicated a Level 3 maximum risk sex offender. He’s a recidivist sexually motivated burglar.

Santa Claus: (appearing pro se) Nonsense! I’ve never had any trouble with the law except a few tickets for not cleaning up after my reindeer. 

ADA Tightskirt: Just because he’s never been convicted or even arrested for a sex crime doesn’t mean he hasn’t committed one. [taken verbatim from a People’s brief].

Judge Bludgeon: Yes, it looks like he’s been repeatedly breaking and entering after dark with intent to commit a crime.

Santa Claus:  What crime? I’m just bringing toys to good little girls and boys.

ADA Tightskirt: Oho! Classic grooming behavior! You want to induce them to sit on your lap at Macy’s!

Judge Bludgeon: You disgusting perv!

Santa Claus: How could I be at Macy’s when I’m busy making toys at the North Pole?

Judge Bludgeon: What? You’re telling me Macy’s Santas are imposters?  That explains why I never got what I wanted for Christmas! I begged for a bike and never got anything but socks.

ADA Tightskirt:  I never got anything but coal in my stocking.

Santa Claus: Yes, I remember you. All the kids called you Tattletale Tightskirt.

ADA Tightskirt: You’re a menace to public safety! Unlawful sliding down chimneys! Unauthorized distribution of toys! Unlicensed driving with reindeer! Repeatedly stating, “Ho, ho, ho!” obviously referring to sex trafficking. And just what is your immigration status?  You should be under the sex offender residency restrictions and prohibited from living within a thousand feet of a school, park, daycare center, beach, playground or other area where children congregate.

Santa Claus: Fortunately, I live at the North Pole. Nothing there but elves and walruses.

Judge Bludgeon: An inappropriate living situation if there ever was one. Level 3.

Santa Claus: Peace on Earth and good will to all.

Judge Bludgeon: Away with this terrorist!




About Appellate Squawk

A satirical blog for criminal defense lawyers and their friends who won't give up without a squawk.
This entry was posted in Criminal law, Humor, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons, SORA and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Santa Claus is Level 3

  1. Alex Bunin says:

    The man needs a miracle … on 34th Street.


  2. Frank J says:

    You guys, and gals, are the best.
    Ridiculous is such a definition in a dictionary that seems to saturate the law as we know it today.
    Someone once told me…
    “The biggest thief is one who steals the most”
    I wonder about all the other offences that have a disposition weighted by conscious guilt.


  3. E. Schwartz says:

    “”ADA. Tightskirt ” is the best nickname for female DA’s!
    I suppose the DA who wrote that the defendant was a criminal, “even if he was never arrested or convicted” got a promotion.


  4. Ashworth, Daniel says:



  5. Pingback: THE BEST OF APPELLATE SQUAWK 2010-2020 | Appellate Squawk

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