One of the many annoyances of being accused of a crime is having to put up with humiliating questions from your lawyer. Like, “Was your grandmother a drug addict?” “When was the last time you had sex?” or “Do you hear voices?” [Correct answer: Yes, when people are talking].
But that’s nothing compared to what lawyers are supposed to ask now, based on the latest advances in client-centered embarrassment:
Scene: Arraignment pens, counsel visiting area.
Lawyer: Hi there! I’m Suzy, a cis-gendered woman, and I’ll be your attorney for today.
Defendant: About time. I’ve been locked up for a week without seeing a lawyer. I’m innocent. The cops broke down my door without a warrant –
Lawyer: What name would you like me to call you?
Defendant: My homies call me Killer, but I’d rather you didn’t mention that in court. More prejudicial than probative, if you know what I mean. As I was saying, the cops said they’d shoot my dog if I didn’t voluntarily come to the precinct –
Lawyer: [Reading from a card] I need to know whether your name expresses your internal deeply-held sense of your gender which may or may not be the same or different from your gender assigned at birth –
Defendant: Yeah, whatever. Then they handcuffed me to a chair and started throwing lighted matches on my lap, causing imminent danger to my manhood –
Lawyer: Tut, tut, gender isn’t a matter of stereotypical physical characteristics –
Defendant: – so I confessed. But I can prove it’s false because there’s a surveillance tape showing I was on the other side of town at the time. My wife –
Lawyer: Your wife? What gender identity does they go by?
Defendant: Yo, are you calling me a FRUIT?
Lawyer: That’s a very discredited terminology. The term is non-binary gender fluid –
Defendant: Will you lower your voice? I’m in a holding cell with 20 other guys, you know what I’m saying?
Lawyer: I’d feel so much better about our relationship if you’d only come out of the closet.
Defendant: But I’m a man. Like Muddy Waters says, “M-A-N, I’m the hootchie cootchie man -”
Lawyer: You sexist pig, how dare you! (Exit)
Defendant: Damn these girl lawyers.