Police Commissioner Hannibal Mugfur announced a monumental new technology today guaranteed to solve thousands of crimes, bring deviants to justice and make the City’s sidewalks cleaner. Unveiling a demonstration model of the SPITSUCKER-100™ before a delighted audience at Daffy Duck Middle School, Mugfur explained that it would enable the police to collect the thousands of saliva samples voluntarily deposited on city sidewalks and enter them into a portable database for DNA comparison.
SPITSUCKER-100™ is a microchip installed on a police officer’s shoe sole that automatically detects traces of expectoration on the sidewalk and enters it into a database attached to the officer’s ear. If DNA from the saliva matches a profile in the database, the officer’s ear lights up and an all-points bulletin goes out for the spitter’s arrest. If there’s no matching profile, the District Attorney’s Office convenes a Grand Jury and indicts the spit.
The device costs between $100,000 and $300,000 each, depending on the size of the officer’s feet.
The Mayor hailed it as a monumental breakthrough for justice. “No longer will spitters escape detection by walking away,” he said. “Sidewalk expectoration is the gateway to violent crimes. Spitsucker-100™ will enable the police to catch rapists, murderers and people who see a suspicious package on the subway but keep it to themselves.”
“We need to keep our kids safe from spitters,” agreed Assemblywoman Chlorox Trump (no relation to the President). “I’ve introduced a bill prohibiting any convicted spitter from going within 1,000 feet of a sidewalk. ”
Some scientists urged caution. “The SPITSUCKER-100™ doesn’t distinguish between human expectoration intentionally deposited on the sidewalk and involuntary drool from canines,” said Dr. Grant of Harvard University. “There needs to be far more research and experiments with college students.”
“Nonsense,” snapped Dr. Retort of the Medical Examiner’s Office, who developed the device. “It’s achieved full scientific consensus. Everybody in my office agrees it’s a proven scientific tool to convict criminals.”
“It’s a clear threat to civil liberties,” said an ACLU spokesperson. “Persons convicted of crimes are vastly over-represented in our prisons.”