“We understand that even the thought of an individual coming to campus with the views that Mr. Shapiro [a twerpy conservative political commentator] expresses can be concerning and even hurtful and that’s why we wanted to make you aware as soon as we were informed. In the meantime, please utilize the many campus resources available to you should you want to talk through your feelings about this issue, including my office, the Cultural Centers, the Dean of Students Office, and CMHS [mental health services], if necessary.”
-Email to students from the Diversity Officer, U. of Connecticut.
Scene 1: Judge Bludgeon’s courtroom.
Judge: [to prosecutor]: Ms. Tightskirt, you may call your first witness.
ADA Tightskirt: Thank you, Judge. I call Officer Blow.
Officer Blow: (testifying) On or about November 3rd, I was driving in a marked vehicle through a microaggression-prone neighborhood when I observed – –
Defense Attorney: (raising his hand) I’m offended!
Judge: On what ground, Mr. Shirttail?
Attorney Shirttail: The thought of an individual coming to this courtroom with the views that Officer Blow will express about my client is concerning and even hurtful!
Judge: Very well, we will adjourn to give defense counsel the opportunity to talk through his feelings about this issue in my chambers, at the Bar Association, with the Chief Judge and Defense Mental Health Services.
Scene 2: Same courtroom two years later.
Judge: Thank you for your patience, members of the jury. Defense counsel has completed talking through his feelings. We understand it may have been a hardship to wait in the back room for two years, but jury service is the highest civic duty. Ms. Tightskirt, you may call your witness.
ADA Tightskirt: (bursting into tears) I can’t, Judge. The thought of an individual coming to this courtroom with the views that Attorney Shirttail will express about my witness is concerning and deeply hurtful.
Judge: Ladies and gentlemen, we will adjourn to give Ms. Tightskirt the opportunity to talk through her feelings about this issue in my chambers, with the Prosecutor’s Benevolent Association and District Attorney Mental Health Services.
Defendant: Oh no, not another two years! I’m willing to plead guilty in exchange for a promise that this is a safe space where I won’t be judged.
Judge: Is that agreeable to the parties?
Both counsels: Absolutely!
Judge: Thank heavens for our college educations! Case dismissed.