Bronx judge finds solution to trial delays: eliminate attorneys

A Bronx judge, fed up with the prosecution’s shilly-shallying while the accused waited in jail for three years, threatened to conduct the trial sans attorneys, according to In Justice Today.

Not since Columbus and the egg has there been such a brilliantly obvious solution to what had hitherto appeared to be an unsolvable problem. Here’s how an attorney-free trial would look:

Judge: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, the defendant is charged with murder. Since there are no attorneys, there will be no opening statements, arguments or witnesses. The defendant, of course, is present.

Defendant: I’m innocent.

Judge: [to jury] I will now charge you on the law.  The defendant is presumed innocent unless the People prove his guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. What’s your verdict?

Jury: (shrugging) Not guilty, what else?

Columbus and the egg. Engraving by William Hogarth.