Easter Bunny convicted of kidnapping, trafficking

Defendant E. Bunny appeals her conviction of kidnapping of minors, trafficking and disorderly conduct. For the reasons stated below, we affirm.

Contrary to defendant’s laughable argument, her arrest was entirely lawful. Police Officer Cluck credibly testified that based on his training and experience, a rabbit carrying a basket of colored eggs in an Easter-prone neighborhood provided reasonable suspicion that criminal activity was afoot.  The fact that the officer conceded on cross-examination that he had never arrested a hippopotamus carrying a basket of eggs does not support an inference of selective enforcement.

In any event, the level of suspicion was raised to guilty as hell when, in response to Officer Cluck’s lawful inquiry, “Where the f*%$#@ do you think you’re going with those eggs?” defendant admitted, “To an Easter Egg Hunt.”

Defendant contends that it is an unwarranted extension of the Penal Law to include unhatched eggs within the definition of  minors where, as here, they were purchased in a supermarket with their frozen and packaged mothers in the next aisle. We disagree.  The Legislature’s authority to make broad classifications is not diminished by the mere fact that some minors might not be eggs. Although we leave for another day the question of whether an egg over 18 years of age is a minor, it is undisputed that eggs and minors share the same vulnerabilities, such as underdeveloped brains. Therefore, as a matter of law, eggs are minors.

There is no merit to defendant’s argument that the People are obliged to show which came first, the chicken or the egg.  The People need only show that there is a rational relationship between the two. Whereas there is plainly no rational relationship between rabbits and eggs.

The dissent, always trying to show who’s the smartest person in the room, claims that the Easter Bunny is but another form of Santa Claus, and that if the latter is lawful, so is the former. The dissent overlooks the obvious distinction that Santa manufactures his own toys, while the Easter Bunny unlawfully asports unborn chickens and conceals them in places where they will not easily be found.

Affirmed.

Judge Thumper dissents in the following opinion:

The Majority, getting the facts all wrong as usual, ignores that defendant was originally arrested and charged with unauthorized possession of jelly beans. It was only after discovering that the arresting officer had eaten the evidence that the People changed their theory to kidnapping based on painted eggs recovered from defendant’s basket.

According to my erudite scholarly historical research on Wikipedia, the Easter Bunny has a long and venerable tradition. Originally a Druid god called the Œaster Porcupine, it gradually morphed into a child-friendly figure like Santa Claus. Indeed, the original Articles of Confederation contained a provision that adult rabbits carrying colored eggs at Easter would not be subject to tariffs. The Majority, applying an overly technical reading of the kidnapping statute, deserves to get coal in its stocking.

I dissent.

About Appellate Squawk

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This entry was posted in Criminal Defense Appeals, Humor, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Easter Bunny convicted of kidnapping, trafficking

  1. Alex Bunin says:

    The Santa defense? Ha, that guy’s a habitual.

    Like

  2. shanaelyse says:

    Oh dear. Having a complete breakdown, what with reconciling my observing Passover with thoughts of the Constitution being a living, breathing document to accommodate persons such as, ahem, “E. Bunny.” 😄
    Have a wonderful Easter! xoxo Shana

    Like

  3. schwartz5555@aol.com says:

    Well done!

    Like

  4. E.s. says:

    Brilliant! How can I contribute to Easter Bunny’s defense / fine & other court imposed fees to make up for not taxing the rich sufficiently?

    Like

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