The Sex Offender Bus

Last week the Guv issued a proposal to fix NYC’s crummy public transport by banning Level 3 sex offenders from using it.  This is apparently aimed at guys on crowded subways who can’t keep their hands and other appendages to themselves. Well, it’s an easier solution than making the MTA do something about overcrowding, such as run more trains.

And maybe the Guv’s interdiction will make the trains less crowded, considering that there are  2,000  people in NYC classified as Level 3.  Level 3 means that a judge has determined, though not by any rational method,that they’re likely to commit a sex offense.

Here’s how the gubernatorial solution came about:

Scene: Ad Hoc Meeting of the Governor’s Task Force Bipartisan Action Committee  Behind Closed Doors at Jack’s Oyster Bar.

Assemblyman Tomato: Can you believe, the wife and I just took a trip to the Big Apple and we couldn’t get a subway from Times Square to Yankee Stadium?  Because of “Planned Service Changes,” meaning there were no trains.

Senator Crackerjack: Yes, it’s a multibillion dollar program for not running any trains on nights, weekends and during midday. It’s called Fast Track.*

*We’re not making this up.

Governor’s Aide: The problem is all those sex offenders.  Mothers for Megan’s Law has drafted a bill to solve it by banning them from buses and subways.

Assemblyman Tomato: Fortunately, Senator Crackerjack doesn’t ride the subway.

Senator Crackerjack: Shut up, Vito. I haven’t been indicted yet.

Assemblywoman Pickle: How will they be identified as sex offenders?

Governor’s Aide: They’ll be required to get radioactive tattoos that set off alarms at the turnstile.

Senator Shoe: But they’re required to register every 90 days at the Sex Offender Management Unit on Centre Street, which is way the hell downtown.*  How are they supposed to get there?

We didn’t make that up either.

Assemblyman Tomato: If the Little Woman and I could walk from Times Square to Yankee Stadium, they can can walk to Centre Street from whatever outerboro shelter they’re living at.

Senator Crackerjack: What? And pass by all those schools full of vulnerable populations?

Governor’s Aide: Citibank has offered to supplement its fleets of blue rental bicycles with special sex offender scooters. Painted red, of course.

Senator Crackerjack: Same problem. Think how attractive a red scooter would be to the kiddies. I’ll never forget the one I had as a boy. It was called Rosebud —

Assemblywoman Pickle: But most Level 3’s aren’t offenders against children. Or against strangers either, for that matter.

Assemblyman Tomato: What’s that got to do with anything? Mothers for Megan’s Law says they’re a danger to public safety.

Governor’s Aide: How about giving them jetpacks so they can fly direct to Centre Street without going near any schools?

Assemblyman Tomato: Sounds expensive. What about a balloon?

Senator Crackerjack: I have it! A mobile registration unit! We’ll refurbish some old Mister Softee Trucks and change the tune to “I’ll Be Watching You.” They’ll drive around the neighborhoods and anyone who’s Level 3 has to come out and register.

Governor’s Aide: Brilliant! That way everyone in the neighborhood knows who they are. In case they forgot to look them up on the Internet.