Courts to replace juries with potted plants

In a move to reopen the courts with all due COVID-19 precautions, Chief Judge Bludgeon has taken a tip from a recent performance at Barcelona’s Gran Teatre del Lieu, where the audience was replaced with potted plants:

Uceli String Quartet plays to audience of 2,223 potted plants.

The concert was a project by Spanish artist Eugenio Ampudia “to show how the pandemic brought people closer to nature.” Which the British press reported as, “to reflect on the absurdity of the human condition.” Either they’ve seen too many Bunuel movies or they’re using Google Translate.

“Potted plant” has a special resonance with defense lawyers, evoking Brendan Sullivan’s defiant, “I’m not a potted plant! I’m here as the lawyer, that’s MY job!” during the Iran-Contra hearings. The Chairman had suggested that Sullivan’s client Oliver North should make his own objections.

In an exclusive interview, Judge Bludgeon told us, “Even when there isn’t a pandemic, nobody wants to do jury duty. Replacing jurors with potted plants will keep everyone safe and eliminate the cost of buying them lunch.”

“But is it constitutional?” we queried.

“Absolutely,” said the judge. “Anyone facing serious criminal charges is guaranteed a jury of twelve. Nothing says it has to be twelve humans.”

“So it could be twelve dogs?”

“Don’t be flippant!” snarled Bludgeon. “Everybody knows a dog can’t make credibility determinations. They believe anyone who pets them. But have you ever seen a biased plant? No. And by the way, we’re uncompromisingly committed to diversity. It’s not going to be all dusty rubber plants.”

“But plants don’t have any brains!” we objected.

“And your point is?”

“Well, but how do they render a verdict?”

“That’s the beauty part,” chuckled Bludgeon. “The judge decides the verdict. After all, the judge saw and heard the witnesses.”

“Surely defense lawyers will object to that!”

“They can’t. We’ve replaced them with potted plants too.”