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Judge Wool says
“I’m not eccentric, I’m just more alive than most people. I’m an unpopular electric eel in a pond of goldfish.” — Edith Sitwell.
- Oral argument to be replaced by Chat Bot
- 2023: Lunar New Year of the Rabbit
- The charade of appellate review
- Appellate Judges to be Replaced by ChatGPT
- ACT UP: HIV+ is not a sex offense.
- Getting AIDS from Typewriter Keys
- NY DA Supports Discrimination Against HIV+ Persons
- The Public Defender Card Game
- Maud Maron v. The Legal Aid Society
- I’m objective, thee is biased
- People’s briefs and other horror fiction
- “My pronouns are sheehurr… so yours would be?”
- May it really, really displease the court
- Defending the Second Amendment
- May It Displease the Court
- Covid in the Courtrooms: an Unnecessary Risk
- Judge Jack Weinstein 1921-2021
- In-Person Oral Argument Should Go the Way of the Dodo
- Convicting Bill Cosby: “An Unconstitutional Coercive Bait-and-Switch”
- Judge Conviser rips into SORA
- Adios, 2020!
- THE BEST OF APPELLATE SQUAWK 2010-2020
- Call a rose by any other name and it’ll see you in court
- Try the new high-tech system for alienating your clients
- Outdoor Public Defending
- Why do cops lie? Because judges believe them.
- Courts to replace juries with potted plants
- Do Statues Matter?
- Sexual thoughts and the First Amendment
- COVID-19 masks for judges
- Judges in trouble
- Hell hath no fury like a client scorned
- “Don’t you dare invite me to your stupid Zoom party!”
- Janitors, Catholic schoolteachers and the Hosanna exception
- Supreme Court hears robocall case, flushes toilet
- “Planet of the Humans”
- The virus, like the rain, falleth on the just and the unjust
- The NYC arraignment scandal: part 2
- NYC courtrooms: the arraignment scandal
- Squawk under house arrest
- Must be true, says so right here in the Probation Report
- Discovery reform in Brooklyn: fuggetabout WitCom
- Happy Lunar New Year 2020: Year of the Rat
- The Sex Offender Bus
- Head for the hills, discovery reform arrives with the New Year!
- Annals of Social Injustice: Affluent People Drinking Rosé in Central Park
- Is it silly to demand transparency from appellate courts?
- “Your question has nothing to do with this case, Judge.”
- Not your law office? Click here.
- Let’s keep dogs off the witness stand.
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Category Archives: Judges
The charade of appellate review
“He’s a good man,” argued the Guv, defending her pick for Chief Judge – a veiled reference to the last one, who suddenly resigned amidst ethical inquiries. Besides, he’s “of color,” so what’s the problem? A bevy of law profs … Continue reading
Posted in Judges, Law, satire Tagged Justice Hector LaSalle, NY Court of Appeals 1 Comment
Appellate Judges to be Replaced by ChatGPT
Official Photograph of the Judges of the New Appellate Court Ushering in the most revolutionary innovation in legal drafting since dispensing with cuneiforms on clay tablets, the Administrator of Court Administration announced today that appellate judges will be replaced by … Continue reading
May It Displease the Court
Our late mother had a sign pinned to the broom closet reading, “When others eliminate work, they’re efficient. When I eliminate work, I’m lazy.” So we viewed with a jaundiced eye the First Department’s recent trumpeting of its work-elimination efficiency. … Continue reading
COVID-19 masks for judges
From a social distance of 150 miles away, we watched NY’s highest state court judges marching into the courtroom to hear oral argument in the flesh for the first time since the COVID-19 lockdown. All wearing identical light blue face … Continue reading
Posted in Humor, Judges, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons Tagged NY Court of Appeals 1 Comment
Judges in trouble
What are the grounds for removing a judge from the bench? A sadistic penchant for harsh sentences? Ignorance of the law? Telling a defendant in front of the jury that if he wants to deny guilt he has to get … Continue reading
Posted in Judges, Law & Parody Tagged Commission on Judicial Conduct, Justice Paul Senzer 1 Comment
Hell hath no fury like a client scorned
After 3 months of COVID-19 “pause,” the NY Court of Appeals has announced a return to hearing oral arguments in the flesh “with appropriate safety protocols.” We envision them hanging batlike from the ceiling. A couple of lawfirm biggies applauded … Continue reading
Posted in Judges, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons Tagged Hon. Paul Senzer, NY Court of Appeals Leave a comment
Is it silly to demand transparency from appellate courts?
We’re always grousing about how courts deny our appeals without reading our briefs, but a recent Supreme Court cert denial showed that’s a heap of ol’ catfish compared to what goes on in Louisiana. The scandal broke back in May, … Continue reading
Posted in Appellate advocacy, Criminal Defense Appeals, Criminal procedure, Judges, Law & Parody Tagged Louis Schexnayder, Louisiana 2 Comments
Let’s make suppression hearings great again!
. . . even if they never were. (This is a re-creation. Yesterday’s post disappeared under mysterious circumstances after being published). Ever since Justice Frankfurter’s outraged account of the Sacco and Vanzetti case (a marvelous model brief on how … Continue reading
Posted in Criminal procedure, Judges, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons 3 Comments
Chief to judges: dissent at your own risk.
Does your boss stifle dissent? You’re not alone! The fearless Judge Saxe, retired from the First Department, reveals that Chief Judge Flowerpot refuses to let judges stay past retirement age if they’ve written too many unsuccessful dissents. Used to be that … Continue reading
The solution to courtroom delays: hockey pucks
In a move to defend against school shootings, a Michigan college is distributing hockey pucks to its faculty. Hockey pucks, or biscuits, as they’re known to the cognoscenti, are “easy to carry, heavy and tend to cause a distraction when thrown,” explained … Continue reading
Posted in Judges, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons 1 Comment
Judge Kavanaugh’s crickets
What with all this brouhaha over Judge Kavanaugh’s high school conduct, it’s time to look at some of the more substantive issues, such as his outstanding crickets jurisprudence. This might have been entirely overlooked but for the ever-alert Lowering the Bar. … Continue reading
Posted in Judges, Law & Parody 2 Comments
Queens judges say the darndest things
Welcome to Queens, birthplace of the Mets, Weight Watchers and President Trump. Where, if you’re on trial for a crime, the prosecutor is likely to be the judge’s kid. Picture this: Prosecutor: Objection. Judge: Overruled. Prosecutor: Dad-dy! Judge: Oh, all … Continue reading
Posted in Judges, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons Tagged Judge Ronald Hollie Leave a comment
How to get judges to read your brief
Judge Saxe is at it again, handing out more advice about appellate briefwriting. “The reply brief is an important document,” he pronounces. It’s “the last word” that the judges will read. It should consist of “short, declarative, punchy sentences.” Based … Continue reading
Posted in Criminal Defense Appeals, Judges, Law & Parody, Satire and parody Tagged Appellate advocacy, Justice Ginsberg 10 Comments
Guv to judges: want a raise? get to work on time.
Last week Governor Cuomo offered the judges a raise, but with strings attached: they have to promise to keep their courtrooms open from 9 to 5. “The backlog of cases is tremendous, especially in downstate New York,” he said. “We … Continue reading
Posted in Judges, Law & Parody Tagged Governor Cuomo 2 Comments
Court admits expert water-dunking testimony as relevant, helpful to jury.
The trial court did not abuse its discretion in admitting expert testimony concerning defendant’s failure to pass the water-dunking test. Dr. Brimstone, who has testified in over 200 witch trials, was plainly qualified to explain to the jury that immersing … Continue reading
When is a trial not a trial? When there’s no jury.
We recently briefed a case where the judge came back from lunch and announced, “The Court has arrived at a verdict. The verdict is –,” until the parties frantically stopped her. The trial hadn’t finished yet! She apologized and sat … Continue reading
Posted in Criminal law, Judges, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons Tagged Twelve Angry Men; Bench trial 2 Comments
How to describe judicial decisionmaking without being held in contempt
The biggest challenge of appellate writing is figuring out how to convey without actually saying so that the trial judge was an uninformed barnacle. Especially when the standard of review is that the judge is always right. The appellate squawker … Continue reading
Posted in Criminal Defense Appeals, Humor, Judges, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons Tagged heuristics 3 Comments
From the archives: Judge Rakoff on graffiti and Oedipus Rex
From “The Villager,” August 24, 2005 Chelsea graffiti party Federal Judge Jed S. Rakoff on Monday ordered the Bloomberg administration to reinstate a permit for a Wed. Aug. 24 Chelsea block party featuring the painting of graffiti on mock subway … Continue reading
Buttering up the judge
We recently came across this drawing by our hero Honoré Daumier (1808-1879) (whose desperate advocate we’ve appropriated in our masthead) that says everything you need to know about preparing for oral argument: “Ai-je besoin d’éloquence devant un juge si haut … Continue reading
Posted in Judges, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons 3 Comments
How to keep your brief under the word limit
Judges are always kvetching that appellate briefs are too long and BO-ring or, as Judge Saxe says, “turgid and prolix.” The federal judish has decided to strike back by slashing word limits from 14,000 to 13,000. The decree sparked howls … Continue reading
Posted in Humor, Judges, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons Tagged American Academy of Appellate Lawyers 6 Comments