Category Archives: Law & Parody

Why do cops lie? Because judges believe them.

  Cops fibbing on the witness stand is so normal, there’s even a name for it: testilying. Or in mixed-metaphor legalese, “tailoring their testimony to overcome constitutional objections.” A little exaggeration here, a few omissions there. Why not, when they … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons | Tagged | 5 Comments

Courts to replace juries with potted plants

In a move to reopen the courts with all due COVID-19 precautions, Chief Judge Bludgeon has taken a tip from a recent performance at Barcelona’s Gran Teatre del Lieu, where the audience was replaced with potted plants: The concert was … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Sexual thoughts and the First Amendment

Mr. Bacon, a guest of the government at Ray Brook Federal Correctional Institution, wrote to his sister about the guards, “There is only one Black Woman here. I believe she is an Indian. She is very beautiful and healthy. I … Continue reading

Posted in First Amendment, Law & Parody, Prisoners' rights | Tagged , , | 6 Comments

COVID-19 masks for judges

From a social distance of 150 miles away, we watched NY’s highest state court judges marching into the courtroom to hear oral argument in the flesh for the first time since the COVID-19 lockdown. All wearing identical light blue face … Continue reading

Posted in Humor, Judges, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons | Tagged | 1 Comment

Judges in trouble

What are the grounds for removing a judge from the bench?  A sadistic penchant for harsh sentences? Ignorance of the law? Telling a defendant in front of the jury that if he wants to deny guilt he has to get … Continue reading

Posted in Judges, Law & Parody | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Hell hath no fury like a client scorned

After 3 months of COVID-19 “pause,” the NY Court of Appeals has announced a return to hearing oral arguments in the flesh “with appropriate safety protocols.” We envision them hanging batlike from the ceiling. A couple of lawfirm biggies applauded … Continue reading

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“Don’t you dare invite me to your stupid Zoom party!”

An opinion piece grumbles that our socially distanced lives have become overstuffed with Zoom events, “a tedious trend that needs to stop.” And don’t you invite us to your stupid Zoom office meetings neither.  Scientific studies by Dr. Google have conclusively shown that … Continue reading

Posted in Criminal procedure, Law & Parody | Tagged , | 4 Comments

Janitors, Catholic schoolteachers and the Hosanna exception

A few years back, a less endearing janitor than Archie’s Mr. Svenson got fired from his job at a synagogue. Not only was he not waxing half the floors, he was doing a lousy job of constructing the annual succot … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody | Tagged , , , | 5 Comments

Supreme Court hears robocall case, flushes toilet

HELLO! This is the U.S. Supreme Court reminding you that even in these difficult times we continue to supply you with the same high quality products we’ve been proudly serving up for the last 200 years. Whether it’s premium strict … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Squawk under house arrest

Boomer Friend: Don’t worry, the virus kills mostly the elderly. Squawk: But we’re the elderly! Boomer Friend: So we are! I forgot. We feel like we’re back in 9/11 (when we were right next to the Towers).  Calling friends: “I’m alive, are … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody | Tagged | 3 Comments

Must be true, says so right here in the Probation Report

Who needs satire when we have the news? The world closing down around us, Governor Cuomo proudly shilling a hand sanitizer for being cheaper than Brand X and smelling like tulips (the hand sanitizer, that is). Brought to us by … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

The Sex Offender Bus

Last week the Guv issued a proposal to fix NYC’s crummy public transport by banning Level 3 sex offenders from using it.  This is apparently aimed at guys on crowded subways who can’t keep their hands and other appendages to themselves. Well, … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons, SORA | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Head for the hills, discovery reform arrives with the New Year!

New Year 2020 is upon us, and we all know what that means: [chiller typeface] the new discovery laws take effect! “Discovery” is legal jargon for letting the accused know who’s accusing him-or-her of what. It means, if you remember … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody | Tagged , | 5 Comments

Annals of Social Injustice: Affluent People Drinking Rosé in Central Park

You have four felonies and a slew of misdemeanors under your belt. Being a New Yorker, it hasn’t escaped your attention that there are lots of cops in Times Square, not to mention a precinct house under a gigantic neon sign … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Is it silly to demand transparency from appellate courts?

We’re always grousing about how courts deny our appeals without reading our briefs, but a recent Supreme Court cert denial showed that’s a heap of ol’ catfish compared to what goes on in Louisiana. The scandal broke back in May, … Continue reading

Posted in Appellate advocacy, Criminal Defense Appeals, Criminal procedure, Judges, Law & Parody | Tagged , | 2 Comments

“Your question has nothing to do with this case, Judge.”

How many times have you sat through the judges’ introductory blabberation at oral argument about how you’d better make it snappy because “We’ve read your briefs” and “We actually do know the law” (dutiful laugh from the sycophants), only to … Continue reading

Posted in Appellate advocacy, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons | Tagged | 3 Comments

Not your law office? Click here.

“Star Trek” is of course a metaphor for office life, where creatures from different galaxies have to tolerate one another to keep the spaceship going. Can you identify these species?:        

Posted in Humor, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons | 2 Comments

Let’s keep dogs off the witness stand.

The news video in our office elevator, appropriately called “Captivate Network,”  recently announced that the San Francisco Airport has appointed a pig named LiLou as its official therapy animal. LiLou, who wears a tutu and plays a toy piano, is … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons | Tagged | 6 Comments

Forget speed dating, try jury duty!

Still searching for that special someone? Jury duty is here to help! Jury trial as romantic opportunity was first explored in Gilbert & Sullivan’s “Trial By Jury,” where the Learned Judge resolves the dilemma (spoiler alert) by offering to marry … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody | 6 Comments

Life in non-punitive therapeutic civil commitment is not what you think

Jimmy Pesci, author and publisher of the outlawed blog Duck Soup and its successor FCCC Instigator, is one of 6,000 men in this country who, after completing their sentences, are being held indefinitely behind locked doors and razor-wire fences while the … Continue reading

Posted in Civil Liberties, First Amendment, Law & Parody, Prisoners' rights | Tagged | Leave a comment