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Judge Wool says
If of chaos we are on the brink
It is because so many people only think that they think.
In truth, of anything other than thinking they are fonder,
Because thought requires the time and effort to reflect, cogitate, contemplate, meditate, ruminate and ponder.
Their minds are exposed to events and idea but they have never pondered or reflected on them
Any more than motion picture screens meditate on the images that are projected on them.
— Ogden Nash
- Why do cops lie? Because judges believe them.
- Courts to replace juries with potted plants
- Do Statues Matter?
- Sexual thoughts and the First Amendment
- COVID-19 masks for judges
- Judges in trouble
- Hell hath no fury like a client scorned
- “Don’t you dare invite me to your stupid Zoom party!”
- Janitors, Catholic schoolteachers and the Hosanna exception
- Supreme Court hears robocall case, flushes toilet
- “Planet of the Humans”
- The virus, like the rain, falleth on the just and the unjust
- The NYC arraignment scandal: part 2
- NYC courtrooms: the arraignment scandal
- Squawk under house arrest
- Must be true, says so right here in the Probation Report
- Discovery reform in Brooklyn: fuggetabout WitCom
- Happy Lunar New Year 2020: Year of the Rat
- The Sex Offender Bus
- Head for the hills, discovery reform arrives with the New Year!
- Annals of Social Injustice: Affluent People Drinking Rosé in Central Park
- Is it silly to demand transparency from appellate courts?
- “Your question has nothing to do with this case, Judge.”
- Not your law office? Click here.
- Let’s keep dogs off the witness stand.
- Forget speed dating, try jury duty!
- The Busywork Conspiracy
- Life in non-punitive therapeutic civil commitment is not what you think
- Buster the civil commitment dog
- Is it a crime to sleep it off in your car?
- What really happens in court: the unvarnished truth
- Putting the brakes on “victims’ rights”
- Maestro James Levine (somewhat) rehabilitated
- The Compulsory Program Mystique
- Fox snarls at pursuing hounds, is shot for bullying behavior
- “Pray for Trump”
- Squawk gets kicked off jury duty, is astonished.
- Supreme Court to Patent Office: Don’t FUCT with the 1st Amendment
- Squawk goes to Washington
- “Justice in every borough”
- Big Brother remembers your face
- Prison Sex Offender Treatment vs. The Fifth
- Easter Bunny convicted of kidnapping, trafficking
- Is it legal to threaten to behead the Chief Clerk of the Court?
- What is ineffective assistance of appellate counsel?
- At the movies: Woman at War
- Squawk is condemned
- Justice Thomas decries Court’s latest “defendant-always-wins” rule
- Let’s make suppression hearings great again!
- Chief to judges: dissent at your own risk.
- Follow Appellate Squawk on WordPress.com
Category Archives: Law & Parody
Cops fibbing on the witness stand is so normal, there’s even a name for it: testilying. Or in mixed-metaphor legalese, “tailoring their testimony to overcome constitutional objections.” A little exaggeration here, a few omissions there. Why not, when they … Continue reading
In a move to reopen the courts with all due COVID-19 precautions, Chief Judge Bludgeon has taken a tip from a recent performance at Barcelona’s Gran Teatre del Lieu, where the audience was replaced with potted plants: The concert was … Continue reading
Mr. Bacon, a guest of the government at Ray Brook Federal Correctional Institution, wrote to his sister about the guards, “There is only one Black Woman here. I believe she is an Indian. She is very beautiful and healthy. I … Continue reading
From a social distance of 150 miles away, we watched NY’s highest state court judges marching into the courtroom to hear oral argument in the flesh for the first time since the COVID-19 lockdown. All wearing identical light blue face … Continue reading
What are the grounds for removing a judge from the bench? A sadistic penchant for harsh sentences? Ignorance of the law? Telling a defendant in front of the jury that if he wants to deny guilt he has to get … Continue reading
After 3 months of COVID-19 “pause,” the NY Court of Appeals has announced a return to hearing oral arguments in the flesh “with appropriate safety protocols.” We envision them hanging batlike from the ceiling. A couple of lawfirm biggies applauded … Continue reading
A few years back, a less endearing janitor than Archie’s Mr. Svenson got fired from his job at a synagogue. Not only was he not waxing half the floors, he was doing a lousy job of constructing the annual succot … Continue reading
HELLO! This is the U.S. Supreme Court reminding you that even in these difficult times we continue to supply you with the same high quality products we’ve been proudly serving up for the last 200 years. Whether it’s premium strict … Continue reading
Boomer Friend: Don’t worry, the virus kills mostly the elderly. Squawk: But we’re the elderly! Boomer Friend: So we are! I forgot. We feel like we’re back in 9/11 (when we were right next to the Towers). Calling friends: “I’m alive, are … Continue reading
Who needs satire when we have the news? The world closing down around us, Governor Cuomo proudly shilling a hand sanitizer for being cheaper than Brand X and smelling like tulips (the hand sanitizer, that is). Brought to us by … Continue reading
Last week the Guv issued a proposal to fix NYC’s crummy public transport by banning Level 3 sex offenders from using it. This is apparently aimed at guys on crowded subways who can’t keep their hands and other appendages to themselves. Well, … Continue reading
New Year 2020 is upon us, and we all know what that means: [chiller typeface] the new discovery laws take effect! “Discovery” is legal jargon for letting the accused know who’s accusing him-or-her of what. It means, if you remember … Continue reading
You have four felonies and a slew of misdemeanors under your belt. Being a New Yorker, it hasn’t escaped your attention that there are lots of cops in Times Square, not to mention a precinct house under a gigantic neon sign … Continue reading
We’re always grousing about how courts deny our appeals without reading our briefs, but a recent Supreme Court cert denial showed that’s a heap of ol’ catfish compared to what goes on in Louisiana. The scandal broke back in May, … Continue reading
How many times have you sat through the judges’ introductory blabberation at oral argument about how you’d better make it snappy because “We’ve read your briefs” and “We actually do know the law” (dutiful laugh from the sycophants), only to … Continue reading
“Star Trek” is of course a metaphor for office life, where creatures from different galaxies have to tolerate one another to keep the spaceship going. Can you identify these species?:
The news video in our office elevator, appropriately called “Captivate Network,” recently announced that the San Francisco Airport has appointed a pig named LiLou as its official therapy animal. LiLou, who wears a tutu and plays a toy piano, is … Continue reading
Still searching for that special someone? Jury duty is here to help! Jury trial as romantic opportunity was first explored in Gilbert & Sullivan’s “Trial By Jury,” where the Learned Judge resolves the dilemma (spoiler alert) by offering to marry … Continue reading
Jimmy Pesci, author and publisher of the outlawed blog Duck Soup and its successor FCCC Instigator, is one of 6,000 men in this country who, after completing their sentences, are being held indefinitely behind locked doors and razor-wire fences while the … Continue reading