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Judge Wool says
In the morning my mind had been like a spool of cotton;
now all the thread had been stitched away at my job
and only the wooden spool was left.
— Charles Reznikoff (poet-lawyer 1894-1976)
- Indoor Public Defending
- Why do cops lie? Because judges believe them.
- Courts to replace juries with potted plants
- Do Statues Matter?
- Sexual thoughts and the First Amendment
- COVID-19 masks for judges
- Judges in trouble
- Hell hath no fury like a client scorned
- “Don’t you dare invite me to your stupid Zoom party!”
- Janitors, Catholic schoolteachers and the Hosanna exception
- Supreme Court hears robocall case, flushes toilet
- “Planet of the Humans”
- The virus, like the rain, falleth on the just and the unjust
- The NYC arraignment scandal: part 2
- NYC courtrooms: the arraignment scandal
- Squawk under house arrest
- Must be true, says so right here in the Probation Report
- Discovery reform in Brooklyn: fuggetabout WitCom
- Happy Lunar New Year 2020: Year of the Rat
- The Sex Offender Bus
- Head for the hills, discovery reform arrives with the New Year!
- Annals of Social Injustice: Affluent People Drinking Rosé in Central Park
- Is it silly to demand transparency from appellate courts?
- “Your question has nothing to do with this case, Judge.”
- Not your law office? Click here.
- Let’s keep dogs off the witness stand.
- Forget speed dating, try jury duty!
- The Busywork Conspiracy
- Life in non-punitive therapeutic civil commitment is not what you think
- Buster the civil commitment dog
- Is it a crime to sleep it off in your car?
- What really happens in court: the unvarnished truth
- Putting the brakes on “victims’ rights”
- Maestro James Levine (somewhat) rehabilitated
- The Compulsory Program Mystique
- Fox snarls at pursuing hounds, is shot for bullying behavior
- “Pray for Trump”
- Squawk gets kicked off jury duty, is astonished.
- Supreme Court to Patent Office: Don’t FUCT with the 1st Amendment
- Squawk goes to Washington
- “Justice in every borough”
- Big Brother remembers your face
- Prison Sex Offender Treatment vs. The Fifth
- Easter Bunny convicted of kidnapping, trafficking
- Is it legal to threaten to behead the Chief Clerk of the Court?
- What is ineffective assistance of appellate counsel?
- At the movies: Woman at War
- Squawk is condemned
- Justice Thomas decries Court’s latest “defendant-always-wins” rule
- Let’s make suppression hearings great again!
- Follow Appellate Squawk on WordPress.com
Category Archives: Satire and parody
How come whenever they tell you, “We’re moving into the 21st Century,” it means more forms to fill out, more “reminders” maddeningly blinking on your screen, “updated” computer programs that take five steps to do what used to take a … Continue reading
In another victory for “the offended” over our blog post from two years ago, Are You a Cissy? the boss has condemned us to a course of treatment by Corporate Counseling Associates (“CCA”). The boss has now added “bullying” to our … Continue reading
The other day we were glumly printing out a closing letter to a client: “Court of Appeals denied leave . . . end of the line. . . wishing you the best for the future,” when we noticed something new on … Continue reading
Remember the Inquisition where you could either deny your guilt and get burned at the stake, or confess and get burned at the stake? The idea was that since confessing saves you from eternal damnation, the Inquisition was simply a … Continue reading
Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat and swallow a camel. — Matthew 23: 24. In an unusual burst of candor, New York’s highest court recently confessed to what we’ve always suspected: if your appeal is a loser, it … Continue reading
What should you do when your boss wants to fire you, you can’t get your old job back at Dairy Queen, and your retirement savings are good for the rest of your life provided you drop dead pretty soon? Answer: … Continue reading
Our fictitious hero Rumpole of the Bailey liked to say that a public defender is “a taxi plying for hire,” bluntly explaining to his clients that he was “duty bound to take on any client, however repellent.” But his taxi metaphor … Continue reading
Judge Saxe is at it again, handing out more smug advice about appellate briefwriting. “The reply brief is an important document,” he intones. It’s “the last word” that the judges will read. It should consist of “short, declarative, punchy sentences.” Based on “abundant … Continue reading
“Leaving the artwork up could serve as a trigger for our students and staff who have been victims of child abuse and sexual assault. Since the display is at the campus main entrance where our students and staff are required … Continue reading
A recent communiqué from HR casually let fall that we’re now a “social justice organization” dedicated to the interests of “the most vulnerable.” And all these years we thought we were a public defender! We feel like the hero of Kafka’s … Continue reading
Reasonable people can disagree about GMO (genetically modified organism) food production. You can take the word of the multi-billion dollar agrichemical behemoths like Monsanto who deny its damaging effects on the environment, human health and the livelihoods of farmers and who go to … Continue reading
Why is everybody so down on the poor old ACLU just because of an internal memo proclaiming its zealous defense of free speech unless it offends vulnerable and marginalized minorities? Even the NY Post joined the affray, moaning, “ACLU Stops Caring About Free … Continue reading
Whenever a court invokes the old saw that constitutional rights can’t be stopped at the prison gate, it’s even money that the decision will do exactly that. The latest is the 11th Circuit’s upholding of the Florida Department of Corrections’ … Continue reading
“We understand that even the thought of an individual coming to campus with the views that Mr. Shapiro [a twerpy conservative political commentator] expresses can be concerning and even hurtful and that’s why we wanted to make you aware as … Continue reading
The Chief Judge adopted the “groundbreaking recommendation” of the NY State Justice Task Force Report that from Jan. 1, all New York State trial judges must issue an order in every criminal case directing prosecutors to disclose evidence helpful to the … Continue reading
We donated a dollar and he blew us a kiss. P.S. Squawk has gone legit! See us in “The Crime Report,” the online zine of John Jay College of Criminal Justice.
Lenny Bruce complained that cops would go to his show, write down every word of his routine and then read it aloud in the Grand Jury, completely ruining his lines. Although not remotely in the league of that great iconoclast, we … Continue reading
Inspired by a recent video of students pulling down, kicking and spitting on a statue of a Confederate soldier, we took a tour of inspection to similarly purge Central Park. The first offender we came across was Alice in Wonderland: … Continue reading