Who’s Afraid of the Appellate Division?

Scene:    The suburban home of JUSTICE WOTAN and his wife JUSTICE WINDMILL, of the Seventh Department.

Windmill:      Darling, who are those two individuals exiting their vehicle dehors the house? They seem to be responding to this address.

Wotan:        Surely I instructed you that I calendared Justice DeLaid and Justice DeNied to appear for cocktails at 1700 hours.

Windmill:      Oh, how could you? You know their aggravating factors far outweigh their mitigators! Next time give me notice and opportunity to be heard.

Wotan:        An irresistible impulse. I encountered DeNied at the gym exercising her interest of justice discretion.

Windmill:      About time, it was getting pretty flabby.

Wotan:        Never mind that, what are we going to serve them? These warrants are completely stale.

Windmill: There should be some leftover torts and estoppels in the fridge. Hold the guests in abeyance while I go upstairs to effect a change of clothing. (Exit)

Wotan:        (shouting after her) This unreadiness is entirely chargeable to you!

(Answers the door. Enter JUSTICE DELAID and his wife JUSTICE DENIED)

DeLaid:       All rise!

(Wotan keels over)

DeNied:       (helping him to his feet)Are you all right? Do you want curative instructions?

Wotan:        It’s nothing, just an issue of standing.

DeLaid:       Sorry we’re late. On the way over we had a confrontation with a depraved individual putting his own interests above the interests of society. I scared him off with a few choice excited utterances. If DeNied hadn’t stopped me, I would have given him a few present sense impressions right in the mens rea.

Wotan:        Incredible! I suppose his face is permanently etched on your memory?

DeLaid:       No, unfortunately he was cloaked in the presumption of innocence.

(enter Windmill differently attired)

DeNied:       Windmill, darling, how well preserved you look! Where can the Court powder its nose?

Windmill: It’s upstairs, I’ll show you. My, that’s a charming frivolous suit you’re wearing! We must go judge shopping together sometime.

(Exeunt Windmill and DeNied)

Wotan:        Can I offer you an open container, DeLaid?)

DeLaid:       That’s very persuasive of you, Wotan. Not too strong, I have 75 bench memos to read for the argument tomorrow.

Wotan:        Relax, all you have to do is say, “Counselor, isn’t this unpreserved?”

DeLaid:       But what if it isn’t?

Wotan:        Then you tell them their time is up.

(enter FIZZY, Wotan and Windmill’s teenage daughter)

Fizzy:        Daddy, can I operate the unmarked vehicle tonight?

Wotan:        For what articulable reason? When I was your age, I went everywhere afoot. Shoes weren’t invented yet. Did I ever tell you how we used to wrap our feet in the Law Journal and trudge miles through the blizzard –

Fizzy:        Primitivo and I want to act in concert.

Wotan:        That’s what you said last time and then I found you two inextricably intertwined in the back seat.

Fizzy:        My statement wasn’t offered for its truth. Besides, the probative value far outweighed the prejudice.

Wotan:        Don’t get inadmissible with me, young lady. And take off that black lipstick, it’s an unreasonable application of makeup.

Fizzy:        I can’t go out looking facially insufficient! I’ll die, I’ll just die!

Wotan:        That’s enough, you’ve made your record. You can take it up with your mother.

(Windmill and DeNied return)

Windmill:      What’s transpiring?

Fizzy:        Mommy, ALL the kids are wearing black lipstick! It’s clearly established! It’s generally accepted by the relevant community!

Windmill:      Really, Wotan darling, it doesn’t look so bad as applied to her.

DeLaid:(smugly)   In our jurisdiction we apply a more flexible standard. Our offspring are free to embellish themselves ad libitum so long as they refrain from exiting the premises.

DeNied:  Yes, we don’t believe in being result-oriented.

Wotan:   Harrumph! I see this is capable of repetition yet evading review. All right, so ordered.

Fizzy:    (hugging him) Oh Daddy, what a sensitive and nuanced decision! You’re the Supreme! (exit).

Windmill:      (to Wotan) Remarkably, we had two substantive bowls of torts and estoppels in the fridge last night and now they’re gone.

Wotan:        (guiltily) We must admonish Fizzy to cease and desist her interlocutory snacking. Undermines the finality of meals.

Windmill:     I could warm up some subpoenas.

DeNied:    Please don’t bother, DeLaid and I are trying to watch our weight and sufficiency.

Wotan:  An alternative mode of proceedings would be to betake ourselves over to Cardozo’s Bar and Grill for some hot ipse dixits.

(all concur).