Law was our second choice in life.
Our first choice was just about anything else.
But if you have to do law, there’s nothing better than appellate squawking.
The only downside is having to read the People’s briefs.
They seem to be written by two persons, the main text by the janitor and the footnotes by some malevolent type with a thesaurus.
The result is a parallel text along the lines of Nabokov’s “Pale Fire”:
Defendant
[footnote: a hardened career criminal with bad breath],
appeals from the
[footnote: just and radiant]
order of
[footnote: his most serene highness ]
the Honorable Justice Blow
[footnote: may he live forever and populate the Earth].
Defendant’s arguments are unpreserved and ridiculous [footnote: and abecedarian].
The learned Justice Blow properly, correctly and perceptively concluded in a sensitive and nuanced opinion: “Denied.”
[footnote: To be sure, “denied” is only one word, but coming from the oracular mouth of the eminent Justice Blow, suggests a wealth of analytical analysis.]
Plainly, clearly, obviously and, as any fool can see, defendant’s arguments are wrong
[foonote: and appellate counsel eats little kittens for breakfast].
Respectfully submitted –
[ you’d better affirm the conviction if you don’t want DA Vance picketing your courthouse]
Appellate Squawk 
Youse appellate lawyers are a bunch of lazy bums who show up to your office any old time and hardly ever have to wear a suit. Your clients never yell at you or show up to court drunk, because they’re conveniently locked up in Onkadonka Correctional Facility 6 hours north of Buffalo.
You never have to negotiate pleas with revolting suburban twerps from the DA’s office who think they’re judges. Or, for that matter, with revolting suburban twerps who are judges.
You grouse when you have to sit for 3 whole hours in the Appellate Division waiting for your case to be called. Let me tell you, here in the Bronx Hellhole of Justice, we’re thrilled if we get same-day service.
Your feelings are hurt if the AD fails to grasp your subtle legal points. Here, we’re happy if the judge doesn’t take off her shoe and start banging it on the desk.
Yessiree, it’s us trial lawyers who have the real handle on what the practice of law is all about.
-Steelgut Bookface, Esq.
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