Author Archives: Appellate Squawk

About Appellate Squawk

A satirical blog for criminal defense lawyers and their friends who won't give up without a squawk.

Judge Jack Weinstein 1921-2021

Judge Weinstein died on June 15, 2021 at the age of 99.  This is a re-run of our post from December, 2016 when he was only 95. Our excuse for the repetition is that we’d like to add to the … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody | 3 Comments

In-Person Oral Argument Should Go the Way of the Dodo

It’s one thing for the Guv to announce that we can now eat at restaurants, and a good thing too, since we’re pretty sick of our own cooking. But going to court in person? Who needs it? State criminal courts … Continue reading

Posted in Appellate advocacy, Law & Parody | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Convicting Bill Cosby: “An Unconstitutional Coercive Bait-and-Switch”

“They tell you to follow your dreams. Does anyone say you have to wake up first?” — Bill Cosby. The Constitution woke up.  “While the prosecutor’s discretion in charging decisions is undoubtedly vast,” said the Pennsylvania Supreme Court, “it is … Continue reading

Posted in Law | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Judge Conviser rips into SORA

Or at least into the way it’s applied. SORA, or the Sex Offender Registration Act, is a brutal set of laws whereby persons convicted of a designated “sex offense” (not necessarily involving sexual misconduct), can be required to register with … Continue reading

Posted in SORA | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Adios, 2020!

Posted in Law & Parody | 6 Comments

THE BEST OF APPELLATE SQUAWK 2010-2020

A satirical blog about law and other absurdities for criminal defense lawyers & friends APPEALS WITH ATTITUDE What oral argument is really like. https://appellatesquawk.wordpress.com/2011/01/24/welcome-to-the-appellate-division/ What’s the use of criminal appeals? https://appellatesquawk.wordpress.com/2019/03/02/justice-thomas-decries-courts-latest-defendant-always-wins-rule/ “Your question has nothing to do with this case, … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody | 2 Comments

Call a rose by any other name and it’ll see you in court

Continuing Legal Education, compulsory for lawyers on the theory that they should keep up with what’s going on, now includes an even more compulsory dose of racial-genderal indoctrination. Yesterday we attended an all-day CLE (remotely, of course), where, following a … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody | 1 Comment

Try the new high-tech system for alienating your clients

 

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Outdoor Public Defending

Now in the 5th month of the COVID-19 shelter-in-place era, our Guv (“I live alone with a dog and we’re getting pretty sick of each other”) has just reinstated the ban on indoor public dining. Meanwhile the courts, which have … Continue reading

Posted in Criminal law, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Why do cops lie? Because judges believe them.

  Cops fibbing on the witness stand is so normal, there’s even a name for it: testilying. Or in mixed-metaphor legalese, “tailoring their testimony to overcome constitutional objections.” A little exaggeration here, a few omissions there. Why not, when they … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons | Tagged | 5 Comments

Courts to replace juries with potted plants

In a move to reopen the courts with all due COVID-19 precautions, Chief Judge Bludgeon has taken a tip from a recent performance at Barcelona’s Gran Teatre del Lieu, where the audience was replaced with potted plants: The concert was … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Do Statues Matter?

So far they haven’t pulled down Prospect Park’s bust of Mozart, despite his being a Dead White European Male. But Lincoln, standing a few yards from him, could easily go the way of General Grant and Don Quixote. Yes, Don … Continue reading

Posted in satire | Tagged , | 6 Comments

Sexual thoughts and the First Amendment

Mr. Bacon, a guest of the government at Ray Brook Federal Correctional Institution, wrote to his sister about the guards, “There is only one Black Woman here. I believe she is an Indian. She is very beautiful and healthy. I … Continue reading

Posted in First Amendment, Law & Parody, Prisoners' rights | Tagged , , | 6 Comments

COVID-19 masks for judges

From a social distance of 150 miles away, we watched NY’s highest state court judges marching into the courtroom to hear oral argument in the flesh for the first time since the COVID-19 lockdown. All wearing identical light blue face … Continue reading

Posted in Humor, Judges, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons | Tagged | 1 Comment

Judges in trouble

What are the grounds for removing a judge from the bench?  A sadistic penchant for harsh sentences? Ignorance of the law? Telling a defendant in front of the jury that if he wants to deny guilt he has to get … Continue reading

Posted in Judges, Law & Parody | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Hell hath no fury like a client scorned

After 3 months of COVID-19 “pause,” the NY Court of Appeals has announced a return to hearing oral arguments in the flesh “with appropriate safety protocols.” We envision them hanging batlike from the ceiling. A couple of lawfirm biggies applauded … Continue reading

Posted in Judges, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons | Tagged , | Leave a comment

“Don’t you dare invite me to your stupid Zoom party!”

An opinion piece grumbles that our socially distanced lives have become overstuffed with Zoom events, “a tedious trend that needs to stop.” And don’t you invite us to your stupid Zoom office meetings neither.  Scientific studies by Dr. Google have conclusively shown that … Continue reading

Posted in Criminal procedure, Law & Parody | Tagged , | 4 Comments

Janitors, Catholic schoolteachers and the Hosanna exception

A few years back, a less endearing janitor than Archie’s Mr. Svenson got fired from his job at a synagogue. Not only was he not waxing half the floors, he was doing a lousy job of constructing the annual succot … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments

Supreme Court hears robocall case, flushes toilet

HELLO! This is the U.S. Supreme Court reminding you that even in these difficult times we continue to supply you with the same high quality products we’ve been proudly serving up for the last 200 years. Whether it’s premium strict … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

“Planet of the Humans”

You feel great about buying that energy-saving, environmentally responsible refrigerator to replace your old energy-wasting global-warming monster. Except that you don’t replace it. You exile it to the basement for storing beer. Absurdly imagining you can reduce energy consumption with … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments