Author Archives: Appellate Squawk

About Appellate Squawk

A satirical blog for criminal defense lawyers and their friends who won't give up without a squawk.

Indoor Public Defending

Now in the 5th month of the COVID-19 shelter-in-place era, our Guv (“I live alone with a dog and we’re getting pretty sick of each other”) has just reinstated the ban on indoor public dining. Meanwhile the courts, which have … Continue reading

Posted in Criminal law, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Why do cops lie? Because judges believe them.

  Cops fibbing on the witness stand is so normal, there’s even a name for it: testilying. Or in mixed-metaphor legalese, “tailoring their testimony to overcome constitutional objections.” A little exaggeration here, a few omissions there. Why not, when they … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons | Tagged | 5 Comments

Courts to replace juries with potted plants

In a move to reopen the courts with all due COVID-19 precautions, Chief Judge Bludgeon has taken a tip from a recent performance at Barcelona’s Gran Teatre del Lieu, where the audience was replaced with potted plants: The concert was … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Do Statues Matter?

So far they haven’t pulled down Prospect Park’s bust of Mozart, despite his being a Dead White European Male. But Lincoln, standing a few yards from him, could easily go the way of General Grant and Don Quixote. Yes, Don … Continue reading

Posted in satire | Tagged , | 6 Comments

Sexual thoughts and the First Amendment

Mr. Bacon, a guest of the government at Ray Brook Federal Correctional Institution, wrote to his sister about the guards, “There is only one Black Woman here. I believe she is an Indian. She is very beautiful and healthy. I … Continue reading

Posted in First Amendment, Law & Parody, Prisoners' rights | Tagged , , | 6 Comments

COVID-19 masks for judges

From a social distance of 150 miles away, we watched NY’s highest state court judges marching into the courtroom to hear oral argument in the flesh for the first time since the COVID-19 lockdown. All wearing identical light blue face … Continue reading

Posted in Humor, Judges, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons | Tagged | 1 Comment

Judges in trouble

What are the grounds for removing a judge from the bench?  A sadistic penchant for harsh sentences? Ignorance of the law? Telling a defendant in front of the jury that if he wants to deny guilt he has to get … Continue reading

Posted in Judges, Law & Parody | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Hell hath no fury like a client scorned

After 3 months of COVID-19 “pause,” the NY Court of Appeals has announced a return to hearing oral arguments in the flesh “with appropriate safety protocols.” We envision them hanging batlike from the ceiling. A couple of lawfirm biggies applauded … Continue reading

Posted in Judges, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons | Tagged , | Leave a comment

“Don’t you dare invite me to your stupid Zoom party!”

An opinion piece grumbles that our socially distanced lives have become overstuffed with Zoom events, “a tedious trend that needs to stop.” And don’t you invite us to your stupid Zoom office meetings neither.  Scientific studies by Dr. Google have conclusively shown that … Continue reading

Posted in Criminal procedure, Law & Parody | Tagged , | 4 Comments

Janitors, Catholic schoolteachers and the Hosanna exception

A few years back, a less endearing janitor than Archie’s Mr. Svenson got fired from his job at a synagogue. Not only was he not waxing half the floors, he was doing a lousy job of constructing the annual succot … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody | Tagged , , , | 5 Comments

Supreme Court hears robocall case, flushes toilet

HELLO! This is the U.S. Supreme Court reminding you that even in these difficult times we continue to supply you with the same high quality products we’ve been proudly serving up for the last 200 years. Whether it’s premium strict … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

“Planet of the Humans”

You feel great about buying that energy-saving, environmentally responsible refrigerator to replace your old energy-wasting global-warming monster. Except that you don’t replace it. You exile it to the basement for storing beer. Absurdly imagining you can reduce energy consumption with … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

The virus, like the rain, falleth on the just and the unjust

Does the right to free speech protect falsely shouting, “There’s no fire!” in a crowded theatre? Does the right of assembly protect defying the quarantine? Imagine being incarcerated with bozos like that. Which quite a few people are being. So … Continue reading

Posted in Prisoners' rights | Tagged | 2 Comments

The NYC arraignment scandal: part 2

A friend wrote yesterday in The Daily News: “I am a lawyer on the front lines of the COVID-19 epidemic. I defend people in NYC who cannot afford an attorney in their criminal cases. While I am used to feeling dispensable … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | 2 Comments

NYC courtrooms: the arraignment scandal

One of the upsides of getting arrested in NYC is that unlike in some countries where you can moulder in jail for weeks or months before you know why, here you have to be arraigned within 24 hours. You’re given … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged | 10 Comments

Squawk under house arrest

Boomer Friend: Don’t worry, the virus kills mostly the elderly. Squawk: But we’re the elderly! Boomer Friend: So we are! I forgot. We feel like we’re back in 9/11 (when we were right next to the Towers).  Calling friends: “I’m alive, are … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody | Tagged | 3 Comments

Must be true, says so right here in the Probation Report

Who needs satire when we have the news? The world closing down around us, Governor Cuomo proudly shilling a hand sanitizer for being cheaper than Brand X and smelling like tulips (the hand sanitizer, that is). Brought to us by … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Discovery reform in Brooklyn: fuggetabout WitCom

Now that New York has adopted the radical notion that an accused should know something about the accusations before the morning of trial, prosecutors have been scrambling to get around the new discovery laws. One of which is that the … Continue reading

Posted in Criminal procedure | Tagged | 5 Comments

Happy Lunar New Year 2020: Year of the Rat

The rat is first in the Chinese Zodiac because, according to legend, he was the first to arrive at the Jade Emperor’s party (and probably the last to leave). Despite pervasive negative stereotypes, rats have many admirable qualities.  They’re clever and sociable, … Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

The Sex Offender Bus

Last week the Guv issued a proposal to fix NYC’s crummy public transport by banning Level 3 sex offenders from using it.  This is apparently aimed at guys on crowded subways who can’t keep their hands and other appendages to themselves. Well, … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons, SORA | Tagged , | 2 Comments