Author Archives: Appellate Squawk

About Appellate Squawk

A satirical blog for criminal defense lawyers and their friends who won't give up without a squawk.

Squawk goes to Washington

We recently took a trip to our Nation’s capital, staying at a pleasant Quaker hostel (“Does thee have a reservation?”) a stone’s throw from the Supreme Court. The first thing we noticed on the D.C. Mall was the fleets of … Continue reading

Posted in Law & Parody | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

“Justice in every borough”

The other day we were glumly printing out a closing letter to a client: “Court of Appeals denied leave . . . end of the line. . .  wishing you the best for the future,” when we noticed something new on … Continue reading

Posted in Criminal Defense Appeals, Satire and parody | 2 Comments

Big Brother remembers your face

As someone known for striking up earnest and meaningful conversations with people we’ve mistaken for someone else, we loved the idea of Facial Recognition Technology. You too can learn to love FRT! For instance, assuming you don’t mind forking out … Continue reading

Posted in Civil Liberties | Tagged | Leave a comment

Prison Sex Offender Treatment vs. The Fifth

 Remember the Inquisition where you could either deny your guilt and get burned at the stake, or confess and get burned at the stake? The idea was that since confessing saves you from eternal damnation, the Inquisition was simply a … Continue reading

Posted in Prisoners' rights, Satire and parody, Satirical cartoons, sex offenders | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

Easter Bunny convicted of kidnapping, trafficking

Defendant E. Bunny appeals her conviction of kidnapping of minors, trafficking and disorderly conduct. For the reasons stated below, we affirm. Contrary to defendant’s laughable argument, her arrest was entirely lawful. Police Officer Cluck credibly testified that based on his … Continue reading

Posted in Criminal Defense Appeals, Humor, Law & Parody, Satirical cartoons | 5 Comments

Is it legal to threaten to behead the Chief Clerk of the Court?

Have you ever had the Clerk of the Court reject a brief that you’ve labored over for months just because you signed in black ink instead of blue? Refuse to accept your brilliantly insightful case-of-first-impression masterpiece because you wrote “Printing … Continue reading

Posted in Criminal law, First Amendment, Law & Parody | 4 Comments

What is ineffective assistance of appellate counsel?

Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat and swallow a camel. — Matthew 23: 24. In an unusual burst of candor, New York’s highest court recently confessed to what we’ve always suspected: if your appeal is a loser, it … Continue reading

Posted in Criminal Defense Appeals, Law & Parody, Satire and parody | 5 Comments