Ken Thompson, Brooklyn’s model DA

“I hate to do this, fellas, but she’s lost one trial too many.”

We barely know what’s going on in our own office, let alone over at Renaissance Plaza where the Brooklyn DA perches on the heavily guarded 19th floor. But thanks to “Down the Rabbit Hole” by the intrepid blogger ADA Fustian Orotund, we learned that one of the proposed reforms of New Broom Ken Thompson, or Bobble Head as he’s affectionately known to his subordinates, was to eliminate meal reimbursements for same when they work the night shift. A severe blow, considering that ADA’s are always creeping around at night on some pretext or other.

Which makes it all the more hilarious that Boss Thompson is being fined by the Conflict of Interest Board (COIB) for using $5,524 of City money to pay for his meals ever since taking office in January, 2014. Even more sidesplitting is that he was warned that this could violate the prohibition against using City money for personal benefit. Did he consult the COIB? Certainly not. It’s up to the DA’s Office to decide what the law is. He consulted his staff.

This was apparently the same crew that routinely assures ADA’s that there’s no such thing as Brady material that has to be turned over to the defense. Thompson kept on billing the public for his feed until, as he delicately put it, “I later realized this practice violated City rules.”

Slapped on the wrist by the COIB and fined $15,000, he explained that he’d paid back the dinner money, saying, “I accept complete responsibility for this violation and regret that it occurred.” A new era has dawned in Brooklyn.

Scene: Brooklyn Criminal Court

Judge: The charge is robbery, gun possession and loitering in the park after sunset. How do you plead?

Defendant: I accept complete responsibility for this violation and regret that it occurred. Plus, I gave the wallet back.

Judge: Very well. You will be fined the same proportion of your income as the District Attorney was. Pay the two dollars to the clerk downstairs.

Next case. Madam, you’re charged with receiving $5,524 in Welfare payments that you weren’t entitled to. How do you plead?

Defendant: I  was warned that I might be violating the prohibition against listing one’s cats as dependents, but my I consulted my friends and they told me to go ahead. I later realized that this practice violated Welfare rules. I accept complete responsibility for this violation –

Prosecutor: Violation! Since when is bilking the City out of five and a half grand a violation? It’s felony if there ever was one – [Supervisor whispers in his ear] Oh, sorry.

Defendant: – and regret that it occurred.

Judge:  Of course, how could you possibly have known? The rules are so confusing. Go in peace, my child.

As for Fustian Orotund, his blog has disappeared. We fear he’s hanging by his thumbs in some oubliette underneath Renaissance Plaza.