Recently received from our employer (we’re not making this up):
“[Public Defender] urges and expects employees to report harassing and discriminatory behavior of third parties, including clients. . . . Rest assured that the response of [Public Defender] to clients who engage in offensive or inappropriate conduct will be a thoughtful response, with due consideration being given to the personal circumstances of the client and the totality of the situation.”
Scene: Judge Blow’s courtroom.
Defendant: Judge, I want a new lawyer!
Judge: You’re indigent, you don’t get a choice.
Defendant: But she’s sent me a summons to appear for questioning before the Public Defender Anti-Discrimination & Harassment Committee!
Judge: Is that true, Ms. Goosestep?
Ms. Goosestep: Absolutely, Judge! He called me a- a – a – (chokes up) an overbearing bitch!
Judge: Well, I’ll certainly remember that at sentencing.
Defendant: How can my own lawyer be bringing charges against me?
Judge: Rest assured, that’s merely a thoughtful response, with due consideration being given to your personal circumstances and the totality of the situation.
Ms. Goosestep: Yeah. I’m entitled to a harassment-free workplace!
Defendant: But I’m entitled to conflict-free representation!
Ms. Goosestep: My entitlement’s bigger than yours!
Defendant: Is not!
Ms. Goosestep: Is so!
Defendant: Is not!
Ms. Goosestep: Is so!
Defendant: Your mama’s so fat, when she goes to the zoo the hippos call her sista.
Ms. Goosestep: Your mama’s so culturally insensitive, she’s still saying “he or she” instead of “they.”
DA: Now, now, Ms. Goosestep, surely your client has mitigating circumstances. You said so yourself when we charged him with burning down a kindergarten.
Ms. Goosestep: What? Are you telling me to suck it up? You misogynist, sexist, un-woke, cis-gendered pig! I’m reporting you to the Diversity Officer!
Judge: All right, all right, I’ll appoint a new lawyer. Is Mr. Tiretread in the courtroom? Mr. Tiretread?
Mr. Tiretread: Huh? Wazzit?
Judge: Can you take this man’s case? Despite his egregious victimization of Ms. Goosestep?
Mr. Tiretread: No problem, Judge. I was an old-timer in this courthouse when she was still pooping in her diapers. I been stabbed, punched, spat on, throttled, sued, had my ancestry questioned by clients – and those were the winning cases.
Defendant: I hear they call you Rip van Winkle. Sleep, sleep, sleep.
Mr. Tiretread: Button your lip, son. I’ll get you deal they can’t refuse.
It’s that part of the 6th Amendment they wrote in invisible ink. Here, I’ll add it in where it belongs:
to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence if he’s sufficiently woke.
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Brilliant!
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