Thoughtfully prosecuting your client

Recently received from our employer (we’re not making this up):

“[Public Defender] urges and expects employees to report harassing and discriminatory behavior of third parties, including clients. . . . Rest assured that the response of [Public Defender] to clients who engage in offensive or inappropriate conduct will be a thoughtful response, with due consideration being given to the personal circumstances of the client and the totality of the situation.”

Scene: Judge Blow’s courtroom.

Defendant: Judge, I want a new lawyer!

Judge: You’re indigent, you don’t get a choice.

Defendant: But she’s sent me a summons to appear for questioning before the Public Defender Anti-Discrimination & Harassment Committee!

Judge: Is that true, Ms. Goosestep?

Ms. Goosestep: Absolutely, Judge! He called me a- a – a – (chokes up) an overbearing bitch!

Judge: Well, I’ll certainly remember that at sentencing.

Defendant: How can my own lawyer be bringing charges against me?

Judge: Rest assured, that’s merely a thoughtful response, with due consideration being given to your personal circumstances and the totality of the situation.

Ms. Goosestep: Yeah. I’m entitled to a harassment-free workplace!

Defendant: But I’m entitled to conflict-free representation!

Ms. Goosestep: My entitlement’s bigger than yours!

Defendant: Is not!

Ms. Goosestep: Is so!

Defendant: Is not!

Ms. Goosestep: Is so!

Defendant: Your mama’s so fat, when she goes to the zoo the hippos call her sista.

Ms. Goosestep: Your mama’s so culturally insensitive, she’s still saying “he or she” instead of “they.”

DA:  Now, now, Ms. Goosestep, surely your client has mitigating circumstances. You said so yourself when we charged him with burning down a kindergarten.

Ms. Goosestep: What? Are you telling me to suck it up? You misogynist, sexist, un-woke, cis-gendered pig! I’m reporting you to the Diversity Officer!

Judge: All right, all right, I’ll appoint a new lawyer. Is Mr. Tiretread in the courtroom? Mr. Tiretread?

Mr. Tiretread:  Huh? Wazzit?

Judge: Can you take this man’s case? Despite his egregious victimization of Ms. Goosestep?

Mr. Tiretread: No problem, Judge. I was an old-timer in this courthouse when she was still pooping in her diapers. I been stabbed, punched, spat on, throttled, sued, had my ancestry questioned by clients – and those were the winning cases.

Defendant: I hear they call you Rip van Winkle. Sleep, sleep, sleep.

Mr. Tiretread: Button your lip, son. I’ll get you deal they can’t refuse.